Double Trouble

Oreos, Cheetos, pizza, red wine, and Schnapps littered Juliet’s apartment floor. It was our first sleepover, and the first time I was able to carelessly eat junk food in what seemed forever. Saturday’s dance rehearsal had been cancelled due to an unexpected snow storm, so my mood was downright giddy. Amy was out of town, and Melissa was busy putting up her insanely detailed holiday decor.

Juliet and I had taken advantage of the freedom by creating a giant fortress of every pillow and blanket in the living room, and buying as much junk food at the grocery store as we could stomach. “I’m so glad I’m here,” I gushed to Juliet, “Thanksgiving with my parents was so miserable. I feel like they barely know me. I’m just so happy to be back in Boston with you.” Juliet flopped down next to me and squeezed my hand.

“I know that family can really suck,” Juliet nodded sympathetically, “I didn’t go home at all because of softball and Amy didn’t invite me to her family dinner. She basically ditched me here because she’s not ready for her parents to know about everything yet.”

“Family does suck,” I agree, “And sometimes, so do our girlfriends.” Juliet and I broke into laughter, and I reached for the bag of Cheetos.

“Hey,” she said, “We’ve both had a rough week or two. Let’s go do something fun. We’ve earned it.”

“Melissa took my fake ID,” I whined, “I can’t do fun things anymore.”

“Dude. You have to get more creative with your definition of fun,” Juliet smirked while pouring us both a shot. “Let’s go see Slutcracker. I bet there’s still tickets. It’s like a strip club version of the Nutcracker. You love dance, and I love me some half naked women.” My eyes went wide in surprise. I love Boston. I can’t believe such a show exists.

“I’m in!” I say immediately.

“I’ll put the tickets on Am’s credit card. She won’t care. She wanted me to show you a good time.”

“Great, I’ll pay for a cab,” I suggest, “We’ve both been drinking.”

Juliet nods, and we immediately high-five. “We have to wear something sexy!” she exclaims, “Let me rummage in my closet.” Within minutes, Juliet has emerged with various leather and mesh tops, and some tight, short skirts. She also offers me some fishnet stockings and a pair of black combat-style boots. Giggling with glee, we both pick out a racy outfit.

“UGH,” I shout, shaking my phone while I get dressed, “It’s super last minute and there are no cabs around. I think it’s because of the snow storm.”

“It’s fine, I’m ok to drive,” Juliet insists. I rack my brain trying to remember how much we’ve both had to drink. 3/4 of a bottle of red wine, and 2-3 shots of Schnapps. But Schnapps is more of a dessert… right? And we did share the wine. I hate being late to anything- it’s the dancer in me- so I throw on a jacket over my skimpy outfit and we race out to the car.

***

“That show was INSANELY amazing,” I exclaim as we hop back into Juliet’s car. My legs are bright red from from walking through the cold air back to our car, but we’d had a little bit more to drink during the show which is keeping me plenty warm. At this point, I know Juliet shouldn’t be driving, but I’m so tired out from the show and the junk food and the alcohol. I blast the heat and lean my head against the window as she pulls out of her space.

Juliet and I chat about our favorite parts of the show while she struggles to maneuver her car through the snow. I keep my eye out for cops, but the roads are pretty clear and Juliet is driving as well as can be expected under the circumstances. All is well until we get back to her street and she tries to park. Juliet’s reflexes have slowed thanks to the alcohol, and she misjudges her distance from a ditch. Her car loses control on the icy shoulder of the road, and the car descends into an unfortunate position in the ditch.

“GOSHDAMMIT. Oh no… It’s ok. I’m just going to tell Amy that it was snowy and the car slipped. It’s not damaged. She can get it out when the snow melts,” Juliet says hopefully.

“I’ll back you up,” I promise, “Let’s just get inside and text her to let her know we’re ok.” We both exit the car and I lead the way up to their front door. “Hey, you left the door unlocked,” I whisper urgently.

“No, I didn’t,” snaps Juliet, a bit defensively. I push the door open cautiously and look around. Suddenly, Amy appears out of nowhere, looking none too pleased. Juliet shoves me into the house and shuts the door behind her before Amy can notice the car in the ditch. “Heyyyyyy, Aim,” says Juliet evenly, trying not to give away that she’s a little tipsy, “Sooo glad you’re home. We weren’t expecting you, or we would have…”

“Not destroyed the entire house?” Amy fills in impatiently.

“I’m so sorry,” I gush, “I got really excited about the junk food and we were definitely going to clean up the food… and the crumbs… and the pillows and blankets and stuff in the morning…” I trail off, suddenly a little nervous and embarrassed.

“Yes,” says Amy evenly, “You’ll definitely both be cleaning this up. But I’d also like to know why you left the house in a blizzard without telling me, and then you both failed to answer multiple texts from me and Melissa when we tried to check on you.”

Juliet and I exchanged panicked looks.

“We went to see a show and we put our phones on silent,” Juliet explained, panic evident in her voice. “I promise I wasn’t ignoring you. I was enjoying being with Shae. I didn’t even glance at my phone when we left the… theater.”

“Take your coats off and sit down. We need to chat,” says Amy flatly. We hang our coats up compliantly, and shuffle over to the couch in shame. I suddenly feel exposed in my skimpy outfit, and my eyes well with tears. I’m a terrible liar, and Amy is so warm and kind. I immediately want to tell her everything, but I don’t want to sell Juliet out.

“Ok,” says Amy with a sigh, “Let’s start with finding out where you were.”

“We went to see Slutcracker. It was a last minute plan. We were both just kind of feeling down, and we were just sitting here eating, so I decided to check to see if they had tickets available. I knew Shae would love it since she’s a dancer,” Juliet explains calmly.

“And you didn’t think to inform me that you were heading out, given that you promised you’d be staying here given the terrible road conditions?” I don’t answer, because Melissa doesn’t expect that I always tell her where I am. We don’t have that kind of rule. Juliet shifts uncomfortably.

“I’m sorry. It was a mistake,” says Juliet, “It was just all such a whirlwind because we decided to go last minute and then we couldn’t find a cab and I just forgot to text.” Amy doesn’t respond, but let’s us all sit in an uncomfortable silence.

“You forgot to mention that you paid for it on my card without asking,” Amy finally replies, “I get alerts when you make a purchase of over $300.” My eyes nearly bulge out of my head.

“I DIDN’T KNOW HOW MUCH THE TICKETS WERE!” I squeal, accidentally throwing Juliet under the bus.

“I was going to pay you back,” Juliet tries lamely. “The house is cold, can we please put on sweaters while we talk about this?”

“No. Sit.” Melissa’s usually friendly expression is growing darker. “I have another minor matter to discuss. I found wine and peppermint Schnapps on the floor when I came home, so I’m trying to understand why either of you would have gotten behind the wheel of a car if you had ANYTHING to drink beforehand.”

“It was only me,” I speak up, my heart pounding as I lie to Amy’s face. “I had a bad Thanksgiving. I brought the wine and the Schnapps with me, but neither was a full bottle when I brought it over. We dipped a couple of Oreos in the Schnapps (this was true) but only I had wine.”

“I was going to have some wine after I finished my pizza, but then we got the show tickets so I didn’t,” Juliet nodded in agreement. I could feel my palms start to sweat anxiously as Amy sized us up.

“Juliet. Come here and let me smell your breath.”

Juliet shuffled over to Amy, looking annoyed but not nervous. They had free popcorn at the show. We’d both had vodka sprites at the show, but there’s no way that Amy would be able to smell any of the vodka over the handfuls of popcorn that we’d polished off.

“I can’t tell if you’re telling the truth, so I’m going to show you that I trust you by giving you the benefit of the doubt,” Amy finally sighed, “But I can tell you that you’re both in trouble anyway. Juliet- you didn’t tell me where you were going, you spent money over our limit without asking, you were unreasonably non-responsive on the phone, and you left this house a complete mess. It’s 11pm and I’m exhausted, so you’ll be punished in the morning. Please have all of this cleaned up before 7:30 in the morning. You’ll get your punishment then.”

Amy turns to me and I bite my lip. “Shae. I know that you don’t know our rules. I’m going to fill Melissa in, but I’m not comfortable punishing you.”

“I didn’t mean to break any rules,” I say as my eyes well with guilty tears, “But I don’t want Juliet to take responsibility alone. I should have known that driving in a blizzard was a bad idea. And I made the mess, too. Can I please stay and help her clean it?”

“Of course,” said Amy gently, “I’m not sending you home this late at night. It wouldn’t be fair. You and Juliet can continue your sleepover in the guest bedroom. I’m going to call Melissa and head up to bed soon.”

Juliet and I changed into pajamas and brushed our teeth in silence. When we both settled into bed, side by side, Juliet turned toward me.

“Thanks for having my back. But she’s going to see the car,” Juliet whispered. “I’ll have to explain that somehow.”

“I feel really guilty about lying to Amy, but we had such a fun night and no one was hurt.”

“Exactly,” said Juliet with a yawn, “Amy’s rules are pretty strict. I’m in enough trouble. I’ll go outside and try to move the car first thing in the morning, and if I can’t, I’ll tell her that it slipped on ice in the morning when I went out to get us Dunkin Donuts.”

“Ok,” I whisper back, my stomach in guilty knots over the web of lies we’re still building. Several moments pass, and I decide that my guilt is unbearable. “Juliet…” I whisper into the darkness. No answer. Her breathing is even, and she’s fallen asleep. I can’t stop myself from crying. I feel terrible. I glance at the clock. It’s 12:35, but I’ve woken Melissa up late at night before. I slip out of the guest room and into Amy’s den. I dial Melissa and cross my fingers.

“Shae. Hi.” I nearly melt when I hear Melissa’s concerned voice on the other end. “Amy just filled me in. I was worried when you didn’t answer my texts earlier, but I’m glad you’re ok.”

“I don’t feel ok,” I whisper, my voice wavering through my silent tears.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Melissa asks urgently.

“No. It’s not that. I just… I uhm. I just wanted to talk to you about tonight.”

“Amy already told me. We literally just hung up with one another. I know you didn’t mean to leave a mess. You thought you’d have time to clean it up. As far as I’m concerned, you didn’t do anything wrong. Amy said it seems like you drank responsibly, and I don’t prohibit you from driving when it’s snowing. Juliet has different rules, and that’s ok.”

“I know all of that. But Melissa, we lied to Amy. Juliet did drink. She drank quite a bit before the show and more during it. I covered for her because she’s a new friend and I didn’t want to get her in trouble. The car is literally in a ditch outside of the house yet, and Juliet is going to try to move it in the morning and lie again. I’m just feeling uncomfortable because I don’t want to let you down, but I don’t want to rat Juliet out.”

“Well, sweetheart,” Melissa beings after a pause, “I’m really disappointed to learn that you got behind the wheel after Juliet had been drinking. That’s extremely dangerous, and a DUI would ruin both of your academic and athletic careers. I’m also disappointed that you lied, but I’m glad that you are taking steps to correct your mistake. I can hear how sorry you are. You’re going to be punished tomorrow- thoroughly- but right now I want you to get some rest and try to calm down. You’ve had a long night.”

“Yes, ma’am. Should I talk to Amy, or should I encourage Juliet to talk to her in the morning?”

“What do you think, baby?”

“I want to apologize to her now so that I can sleep. Is that fair to Juliet?”

“Juliet put you in a bad position tonight,” Melissa emphasizes, “Go ahead and talk to Amy if YOU think that’s the right decision. You need to trust yourself. I’m very unhappy with your behavior, but I’m proud of how you’re handling this. I’ll meet you there around 7:30, ok?”

I agree and tell Melissa that I love her and click off the phone. I find Amy in her room and knock gently on the door frame.

“Yes, darling?” Amy asks with an amused smile, “I thought you were going to bed?”

“Amy. Uhm. I can’t. Well, yet. Because, the thing is, I’m really sorry about everything that happened tonight. I value my friendship with Juliet and I don’t want to tattle, but I need to let you know that… that… I lied to you. About the alcohol. Juliet drank, too, both before the show and during it. She drove home tipsy, and I didn’t stop her. You may not have noticed, but your car is kind of in the ditch, because we made it home but she slipped while we were trying to parallel park. She was going to move it in the morning and not say anything, but I just feel really guilty and wanted to apologize right away. I already spilled the beans to my girlfriend, and she’s going to punish me tomorrow when she picks me up, but I just still feel really awful.” I look down at my hands. I can’t see Amy’s reaction anyway because my tears won’t stop flowing.

“Come here,” Amy motions gently. I comply and stand in front of her, still looking down. Amy takes both of my hands in one of hers, and lifts my chin so that I’m looking her in the eye. “I had a feeling that that was the case about the drinking. Juliet never passes up red wine. I am upset that you lied before, but thank you for telling the truth.” With that, Amy stands up and pulls me into a hug. She rubs my hair while I cry and promises that she will deal with Juliet. “Now,” she says softly, “Why don’t you hop back into bed. It’s late and you have an early morning of cleaning. I’m going to go check out the car, and I’ll see you downstairs tomorrow.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” I nod, walking back to the guest bedroom feeling a million times lighter. I know that tomorrow morning won’t be fun, but at least I don’t have to keep acting. I am, after all, a dancer and not a theater expert.

***

The sound of Juliet’s alarm going off at 6:30 is complete torture. I’m a tiny bit hungover, and I still didn’t sleep well. I felt like I betrayed Juliet.

“Hey,” Juliet says, poking my ribs as I refuse to stir, “Will you clean up the living room while I go deal with the car?”

“Yeah, yeah.” I reply flatly, rolling out of bed away from her so that I don’t have to look her in the eye. Amy already knows about the car, so letting her try to move it is futile, but I don’t say anything. I quickly brush my teeth and throw myself into the task of cleaning. I throw away packages, vacuum, stack pillows, fold blankets, and I even find a rag to dust with for good measure. I also clean the entire kitchen even though we barely used it. Juliet finally comes in, snow covered and shivering.

“It’s still so snowy, and I can’t move the car. We have to go with the donut story.”

“Ok,” I reply, not looking up at her and pretending to be focusing intently on finishing the dishes. Juliet brews coffee, and we both sit on the couch sipping caffeine from our mugs like it’s the blood of life. Amy comes down the stairs at 7:30 on the dot.

“Wow. This place looks great. I just wanted you guys to clean up your mess, but you suck ups cleaned the entire first floor.”

“Amy!” Juliet says, standing up confidently, “I know I’m in trouble, and I’m so sorry, but I went out to grab us donuts because it was sooo early, and I know you love the strawberry frosted kind, and crazy thing… it got so icy overnight and I accidentally may have ended up in the ditch out front while trying to get our car out. I already called AAA and they’re sending someone in a couple hours.”

I look down at the carpet. Juliet is a darn good liar, but this situation is so uncomfortable. Before Amy can respond, the doorbell rings. I hop up, happy for a distraction, and throw myself into Melissa’s arms before she can even realize the door has been opened.

“Hi, babe,” she laughs, kissing my head as she steps inside. Melissa guides me back down onto the couch next to Juliet, and she and Amy settle on the couch across from us. You could cut the tension with a knife.

“Ok,” Amy speaks up evenly, “So, Melissa and I chatted a bit this morning about your predicament. Juliet and I have a lot to discuss and Melissa would like to discipline Shae at home, so we’re going to have a group powwow about last night before going our separate ways.”

“Because you have both exhibited issues with alcohol lately,” Melissa announces, “We have decided that neither of you are permitted to drink again for the rest of the semester. We will re-evaluate in January. But there will be no alcohol whatsoever.”

“And we appreciate that you two are becoming friends,” Amy adds, “But from now on, when you’re together, we need updates on where you’re going and what you’re doing every time you leave one destination for another.”

“And Shae,” says Melissa, “You lied to Amy, so I think it’s only fair that she gets to punish you. I know you’re new to being disciplined, so we decided that Amy will start your punishment here and I will finish the majority of it at home.”

“And Juliet,” Amy says darkly, “You’ll head up to my room now, strip, and kneel in the corner on the rice that I left on the carpet.” Juliet winced, but headed upstairs wordlessly. Kneeling on rice in the corner?! That blows. With Juliet gone, all eyes were on me.

“We’re both proud of you for coming clean,” says Melissa, “But obviously it was too late to redeem yourself from the lying and the danger you put yourself in.”

“I’m going to wash your mouth out with soap,” Amy said seriously, “Since that’s the punishment in my house for lying or talking back. And then I’m going to give you a brief hand spanking if you’re comfortable consenting to that. Melissa will handle the rest of your punishment at home. I’m punishing you for lying, and she’s punishing you for the danger you put yourself in.”

I feel nervous, but I agree. I trust Amy, and it’s only fair. I let her guide me upstairs. She lathers a bar of soap wordlessly, and grabs my chin. “Open,” she commands. I do. Holding my head in place, Amy sticks the bar of my soap far into my mouth. It’s worse than I thought, and I instantly gag as the soapy taste assaults every part of my tongue. Amy jerks the bar back and forth across my tongue, causing it to froth and making me try to wiggle away. She holds me firmly in place and instructs me to bite down. “I’m going to set a timer on my phone for two minutes,” Amy says, “Then you get to rinse twice with water.”

Tears run down my eyes and the time creeps by slowly. It’s so much more disgusting- and embarrassing- than I’d imagined. when the timer goes off, Amy takes the soap back and, as promised, gives me two brief rinses. When she leads me back downstairs to Melissa, my mouth still tastes and feels horrible. Without much fanfare, Amy takes down my pajama pants and puts me over her knees as Melissa watches on, unsympathetically. Amy immediately elevates her knee, driving my rear straight up into the air. She smacks HARD from the get-go, without a warm up, causing me to wail and wiggle. And this is only the beginning of my punishment?! Maybe I should have lied for Juliet after all.

To be continued…

 

 

 

Down The Hatch Finale

I wake up dying for a glass of water. My head is pounding and I can barely pry my eyes open. Fortuitously, there is a glass of water that Melissa left near the bed. I gulp it down and listen carefully to see where she is in the house. Prying my tired body out of bed, I shyly tiptoe down the stairs. Melissa is hunched in front of her iPad at the kitchen counter.

“Well good morning,” she says with a smile when she notices my presence, “I was going to let you sleep until 9, but apparently you’re an over achiever even when hungover.” I giggle and blush because it feels like a compliment.

“I’m sorry about last ni-”

“Let’s not keep doing the apology thing. You’re soon going to find out exactly how I feel about your behavior last night, and you’ll be sorry for a couple of days.” She narrows her eyes forebodingly, and I know that I’m up for one heck of a spanking. “Now,” she says more cheerfully, “Let’s have breakfast and talk about the contract first. What do you like in the mornings? Eggs? I can make waffles… Cereal?”

“I usually do plain oatmeal,” I mumble, “Sometimes with almond butter. Scrambled egg whites with pepper, too.” Melissa bites her lip and considers my suggestion.

“Well. You’re not trying to lose weight, so egg whites aren’t necessarily appropriate. Let’s try two whole eggs, and a bowl of oatmeal, and we can do some fruit, too.” I nod. I feel safe with Melissa. I want to be cooperative.

“Thank you, ma’am,” I say simply. She smirks as she walks around me to the stove, lifting the Yale hoodie up and smacking my bare bottom as she walks by. I give a small yelp and grab my bottom cheeks.

“HA! That was a pat compared to what you’re getting later. Sit while you still can and have some coffee.” As I sip coffee and she cooks, she hands me her iPad where a copy of our rules have been reproduced. The email got buried in my inbox because of how busy I had been. I skim through it. It’s pretty understandable. Three meals per day, and preferably at least two snacks. I have to attend all of my classes and appointments, and if I am sick or injured, she has to know ASAP. No putting myself in danger in other ways (oops, that ship sailed last night), and no being disrespectful or lying. She confirms that I understand everything, and I confirm that it all makes sense.

I have a hard time getting my breakfast down because I’m nervous about the spanking and not used to people watching me eat. Melissa sits next to me making small talk to distract me and gently rubbing my back and hair. When I finish eating, I ask if I can brush my teeth.

“Go ahead,” she says, “And then put your nose in that corner over there,” she says, gesturing to the far side of the living room. Ugh. The corner? Like a child? I don’t show my distaste. I’m in enough trouble, so I scamper off to get washed up, and then shuffle into the dreaded corner.

“This is embarrassing,” I observe as I settle into my spot in the corner.

“Mhmm,” is her absent response from the living room, “You should focus on why we’re in this position. Corner time can help you calm down and focus, and it gives me time to plan exactly what I’m going to do if I haven’t decided yet. It helps you come to terms with who is in charge. Sure, it’s a bit infantilizing, but a little embarrassment is healthy.”

I don’t respond. I try to stay still. I feel small and uncomfortable, but it does make me feel protected to know that Melissa is watching me from a distance. After what feels like an eternity, she calls me over. I stand quietly in front of her knees.

“I think you know why you’re being punished. For one, you didn’t bother to read our rules, but I’m glad we got up to speed on those today. You had way too much to drink last night, to the point where you were sick and lost. You drank underage, you almost froze to death, and I’m certain that you didn’t eat enough dinner to justify nearly a quarter of what you drank.” I nod miserably. “Were you at a bar?” she asks coldly.

“I used a fake ID.” Her expression is one of pure irritation.

“Thank you for being honest. I’ll be taking that from you today. That is obviously illegal, and I don’t need to tell you how much trouble it could get you in.” I nod again. My words seem to be evading me, as I’m just a mess of guilt and nerves. Melissa grabs my wrist and pulls me over her knees. “You’re getting a hard spanking, and then you’re going to get a taste of both a hairbrush and a belt,” she says simply. “Then, I’ll sit you down at the table and you can write ‘I will not drink past my limits’ 100 times… by hand. If I’m satisfied at that point, we’ll be done. If not, you’ll find out how creative, and relentless, my discipline can be. Do you understand?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I gasp as she lands the first hard swat on my behind. Dang… Melissa means business today. Every smack is super painful. She peppers both cheeks with several swats, and she starts to get my inner thighs, too. It doesn’t take long for a painful heat to build all over my rear end. I feel secure with her hand around my waist and her strong thighs beneath me, but this lady’s hand is made of steel!

SMACK, SMACK, SMACK, SMACK. I try my best to stay in place and breathe deep. She keeps going and I imagine my bottom turning bright pink, and then a vibrant red. I hiss in pain as she gives a few more swats to each inner thigh. When I think I can’t take it any more, she pauses. “I’m going to give you 30 with the hairbrush,” she says coldly. The hand spanking is for drinking so much that you put yourself in danger, “The hairbrush is for using a fake ID and jeopardizing your dance and academic careers.” I tense my body as she picks up the brush. “Relax, please,” she says, taking a moment to rub my burning cheeks. I try my best to let go and relax over her knee again. She hikes my bottom up farther into the air and brings the brush down for the first time.

“OWEEEEE, AH, AGHHH, OH MY GOD,” I howl in pain as the brush makes contact with my already tender skin. “Please, oh my, that hurts, Melissa please don’t do it so hard.”

“That was just three,” she says unsympathetically. She continues to bring the brush down with purpose, resulting in a mean CRACK across my bottom. I howl and squirm, but there’s nowhere to go. I start crying. It stings and my bottom feels like it has to be bruised and swollen everywhere. She keeps going, helpfully letting me know when we’re halfway done. “We wouldn’t be here if you would have made better choices last night. It’s ok to have fun with your friends. I remember being in college. It’s NOT okay to take shot after shot when you know you’re already drunk. It’s not okay to wander alone outside, freezing cold and wasted. The fake ID is absolutely never going to happen again. This spanking is better than a criminal penalty, or worse, being unconscious or dead or having someone hurt you while you’re vulnerable.” Her words hurt because she’s absolutely right. The last 15 smacks cause more crying and quivering, but I’m able to relax my body and submit fully to the spanking. When she finishes, she puts the brush down and rubs my lower back, praising how well I did. “I hope we don’t have to repeat this,” she says softly, “I know that you can make better choices and still have fun.” With that, she pulls me up and brushes the tears off of my face. “We still have six with the belt, baby. I hope it will drive home the importance of self care, and standing up to your friends when they’re out of control. I won’t swing it too hard,” she says kindly, seeing the pain and horror on my face.

Melissa gently walks me over to a kitchen chair and bends me over. I stare at the belt with wide, fearful eyes. “You’re perfectly safe,” she says soothingly, rubbing my back while I calm down. She pulls her arm back and lands the belt against my upper thighs with an anti-climactic swish and a small crack. I know she’s making an effort not to hit me hard. It still stings, so I hiss a little bit and let out a cry, but my feet stay firmly planted. “Why don’t you count down from five for me?” she suggests. I oblige.

“FIVE!” I cry urgently when the belt hits the center of my behind. “FOUR. THREE.” She gets two new spots, leaving my entire ass stinging like it was lit on fire. “TWO!” I say, letting out a deep breath. “ONE!” She drops the belt and pulls me into her arms. She hugs me tightly and kisses the top of my head.

“Good job, baby,” she praises, “Let’s have some snuggles before you write your lines.” She leads me to the couch, holding my hand firmly. She sits down and pulls me onto her lap. I wince when my bottom makes contact with her yoga pants, but I’m content to be held while I cry softly and apologize.

“Thank you again for picking me up,” I sniffle, “And going through all of this trouble.”

“Shh, you might be a trouble maker, but taking care of you is no trouble at all,” says Melissa as she continues to rub my back. When I’ve calmed down, she helps me sit up again. “Do you want to talk about what you said last night… about being worried that you might be gay?”

I blush deeply. “Oh, that…” I stutter nervously, “Yeah, I guess I just feel like I don’t like men. I mean, I keep trying because I always thought I did, but I saw this cute girl from my running group last night and I guess maybe I think I could be bisexual or a lesbian.”

Melissa’s face is full of compassion and understanding. She doesn’t say much, but she rubs my legs and asks why I seem so upset about it. We talk it over gently, with her reassuring and supporting me as we work through my thoughts and fears and hopes. When we’re both satisfied, she gently guides me to the dining room table to write my lines. I ask for a pillow, but my request is denied with a sympathetic kiss to the side of my head. Melissa does assorted chores while I write my lines, hand and bottom both burning. I know I’ve found someone that will hold me accountable… painfully… but I can’t be resentful when she also takes care of me and supports me so well.

I quickly text my friends and room mate to let them know I’m ok. It’s 10:30 and they just woke up, and I already have a fried behind! The injustice… As I finish up my lines, I look up at Melissa. She is really pretty. Stop it, I chastise myself, she’s a doctor and a mom and way older than you and probably isn’t attracted to you. Shaking the thought out of my head, I politely turn in my sheet of lines and give her one last hug.

“I can grab a cab so that you’re not inconvenienced,” I offer.

“I have to pick my son up from his sleepover at 11 anyway,” she says, “And please. Stop acting like an inconvenience or you’ll get another spanking.”

“Yes, ma’am! My butt is killing me. In that case, thanks for the ride!”

What. A. Day.

Why I Like TTWD

I thought my spanking fetish started at 21, when I accidentally stumbled across a spanking scene in some m/f erotica that I was reading. I was never into porn, but I loved a juicy romantic love story; I liked the thrill of turning the page (or scrolling down the screen), wondering what was next and crafting my own image. Either way, I was completely entranced by the spanking scene. It was so odd. Was it erotic? Was it punishment? It seemed like a mix of both in the story, and my mind was blown. It was sexually alluring, but it was also something else.

The reason that I couldn’t stop thinking about spanking wasn’t just that it could sometimes be arousing. I was actually more drawn to the punishment and domination aspects. I had always been a little neurotic. Driven, hard on myself, constantly in control. The idea of giving up control to someone else- letting them take care of me, and discipline me, made my head spin with excitement. After months of reading spanking-focused stories, I started to realize that I almost exclusively preferred tales that involved two women, whether they were sexually involved or platonic.

LIGHTBULB. I’m no psychologist, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that my spanking fetish didn’t come out of no where. I had always been drawn to strong female figures in my life (coaches, mentors, etc.). I had always found some weird sort of joy in being punished, even if it was annoying or felt unjust to my young mind. There was something about someone else exerting authority that my brain seemed to code as “enjoyable.” I wanted someone else to be in control. I didn’t want a sadist, though. I wanted someone who could punish and protect. Someone who could make me feel safe, but also give me a healthy dose of fear. Smart, intimidating women with a kind and playful side. That would be my Mrs. Right.

After a brief encounter with a woman involved in bdsm, I realized that I was probably bisexual. This nearly shocked my insulated Catholic heart, but I took right to getting involved with the LGBT community and found a home there. Although bdsm wasn’t for me, I stayed involved on the outskirts of the community, mostly looking for other spankos or women into power exchange with “light” bdsm. I had some spankings. They HURT. Gosh, they hurt more than I thought they would… truly. But they made me feel out of control. I loved the feeling of light, healthy embarrassment when I was told to stand in the corner or pull my panties down. It was humbling. I like the feeling of someone’s arm around my waist, or a leg over my leg, physically subduing and overpowering me. I like being restrained while I wiggle and cry, being lectured, and spanked until the sting in my ass and the guilt in my heart evaporate into a feeling of calmness and acceptance. I like sinking over someone’s lap at the end of a session, fully submissive and ready for them to snuggle and comfort me. And I like the other things that come with it. Witty banter, those sexy threatening stares when I misbehave, whispered warnings, a light pat on the behind, and subtle acts of domination in public that remind me that I belong to her. I like being reminded that though we are equals, I have chosen to submit to her and she will hold me to that agreement.

So, here we are. Even though I hadn’t ever really considered myself particularly creative, nor a good writer, I decided starting to put words on the page. I’m writing because it makes me feel normal, and I want other people- whether they’re struggling with coming to terms with their sexuality, desires, or kinks- to feel normal, too.

My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage.

Down the Hatch

It’s a Friday night, and I’m currently being felt up by a banana. Ok, it’s some fratty college bro dressed as a banana for Halloween, so I guess that was misleading 😉 Regardless, banana bro had found me on the dance floor, already drunk on the warm vodka and Pepsi that my friends and I had pregamed with briefly on our rainy walk to another frat party. He grabbed my ass sans permission, and when I turned around to yell at him, my voice was concealed by the pounding music. Probably taking my angry expression as some weird sort of consent, he tried again at grabbing my ass. Disgusted and frustrated, I shoved him away and went to find my friends. Staying together at a frat party is always a challenge, but on Halloween night things are especially packed.

Eventually, I spot a couple of my skinny dance friends vying for more liquor at the makeshift bar in the back of the room, and I quickly make a beeline for them. When they see me, Leah squeals and says, “MORE SHOTS, BABY!” Caroline nods her approval enthusiastically, and I’m handed a small paper cup filled with pineapple juice and more warm vodka. Damn college students and their inability to buy (and chill) liquor appropriately. I’m already feeling the effects of our irresponsible pre-gaming, but I also know that I won’t have any fun with these sleazy college men unless I keep the alcohol coming. I pound another two shots with my girlfriends at the bar, and then we stumble away red-cheeked and giggling to see what trouble we can get into.

The three of us are a “sexy oreo.” I know. It’s dumb. But all I had to do to be a “sexy oreo cookie” was don a tight black spandex skirt and an equally tight black spandex crop top. It was cheap, easy, and group costumes always give you an excuse to ditch the sweaty, gross boy you’re dancing with in favor of gabbing another photo with your companions. “You guysssss,” I drawl, a little drunk for sure, “I think we should just go to a bar. It’s hot and crowded and I don’t know any of these weird guys.”

Carolyn frowns. “My fake ID isn’t that good,” she whines, “So if we don’t all get in you have to promise to leave the bar with me.” We all pinky promise, and we head out into the cool October night. Walking to the bar in the cold helps me sober up at least a tiny bit. When we arrive, we wait our turns in line, shivering and giggling, and then boldly fork over IDs that used to belong to older dancers. They aren’t fake, they just don’t belong to us. Borrowing a fakie from an older dancer is sort of a right of passage. The bouncer is overwhelmed by the Halloween crowds and ushers us in without really comparing us to the pictures of similar looking- but decidedly different- girls on our ID cards. Whooping in glee, we hightail it to the bar and order more drinks. And more drinks. We dance and we chat and we keep ordering. Eventually, Leah wanders off and starts making out with someone seemingly dressed as a dead professor. Charming. Caroline sees some friends from a religious group she’s in, and is suddenly dancing on a table with a couple of them. My friends are still in sight, so I ditch my half-full drink and run off to the bathroom to pee.

The moment that I sit down in a stall, away from the blaring music and loud voices, I realize just how drunk I am. The room is starting to spin a little, and my tongue and lips are completely numb. I try to text Caroline, but my hand-eye coordination has plummeted. Shit. I stand up and make my way over to the sink to wash my hands. I give myself a few minutes to catch my breath and vow to return to the bar for some water. Nearly to the bar, I’m intercepted by a cute girl named Teresa that I know from a running club that I briefly joined during the compulsive exercise phase of my freshman year. “HI!!!!” I say in a voice that’s probably a bit over-excited, and I pull her into an embrace.

“Heyyy, so good to see you, too,” she smiles, “are you a ninja or something?” she asks while assessing my black-on-black spandex and converse situation.

“No, I’m an oreo, well… part of an oreo… it’s whatever.”

“That’s AMAZING,” she says with a big laugh, “c’mon, let me buy you a drink real fast.” I start to say no, but I haven’t seen her in a while and I’m in a good mood. What’s one more shot. She insists on rum, which I grudgingly accept. We take it straight with no chaser and then high-five while giggling. I haven’t giggled this much in ages. It’s both freeing and a little concerning, especially as I feel my legs get more wobbly by the minute. Teresa gives me another hug and disappears to find her running club friends. She vows to text me soon. I nod politely, but am starting to really not feel well. I’m getting dizzier and dizzier and I’m starting to panic.

I look around for my friends, but the Halloween crowds are unreal. I decide to grab some fresh air outside. I stumble out the door and sit down on the cool concrete, leaning against the wall of the bar. I suddenly realize that I’m starving. I had a normal-sized piece of chicken for dinner, and several pieces of broccoli. I guess the meal was barely 300 calories, but protein is supposed to help absorb alcohol. That’s what they say, anyway. I’m certain that there is a greasy by-the-slice pizza place not far from here. Determined, I stand up and walk towards what I think the right intersection is. The problem is, it’s dark, I haven’t ever actually gone to this pizza place, and my legs are not doing a great job getting me down the sidewalk. There are plenty of crowds of partygoers in costume around, so I feel safe, but I’ve never been this drunk and I’m starting to doubt whether I can make it without passing out. My eyes feel heavy even though I wasn’t tired a few minutes ago, and like usual, I’m stuck outside in the cold air with no jacket and no tights. “FUCK,” I exclaim to no one in particular.

I have my phone, ID, fake ID, a few hair ties, and $5. That won’t cut it for a cab ride. I think about returning to the bar, but Caroline and Leah aren’t answering my texts and calls anyway. With my stomach in knots- either from nausea or nervousness- I get out my phone to call Melissa. She said she was always here for me, and I *really* need a lift. I can’t call anyone else in my sorority, because I could get kicked out for an offense like using a fake ID if they found out where I was. None of my other friends have cars. I press the call button by her name, hands shaking, and hope that she’s still awake.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Asking For Help

I left my mandatory meeting with the university dietitian buzzing with anxiety. I wasn’t sure what happened. I walked in confident, but when the kind dietitian started asking questions, the words that tumbled out of my mouth were complete lies. One question after the other was met with a mistruth or prevarication. It’s like a completely different person was speaking on my behalf. When it was over, she told me that it sounded like I was doing great, and she signed the paperwork that I would need to get back to dance. If I got the psychologist to sign off, too, Dr. Doom could end my probation period and I could go back to participating free of conditions. This should have been good news, but it wasn’t sitting right under the circumstances.

As I scuttled out of her office, I shoved her note into the pocket of my purple raincoat and yanked the hood over my head so that no one would see me. When I arrived at home, soaking wet from the rain and mad with myself for the “everything is fine” performance, I collapsed onto my bed and took a deep breath. I still had to see the psychologist, but otherwise no one else knew about what I was going through besides my dance instructor and Dr. Doom. The Doc did offer to talk to me if I ever needed anything, but maybe she just said that to be polite. I slowly wiped the raindrops off of my phone screen and debated whether or not I should reach out to her. My room mate and I had recently been arguing, and my parents would never be any help. I wasn’t quite ready to tell my friends or my classmates yet, so with a shaky breath and a steadily-thumping heart, I dialed Dr. Doom.

I felt a combination of relief and disappointment when it went to voicemail. “Hi… it’s me… Shae. From, you know, I was in your office last week. About the eating di- anyway, you probably remember. I just wanted to let you know that I saw the dietitian, and the thing is, I’m uncomfortable accepting her permission for me to return to dance, because I don’t feel like I managed to be completely truthful and open with her. I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It was really hard. I don’t want anyone to judge me and I’m just so new to talking about this with people. So, ok. Just wanted to let you know, and maybe you can help me schedule a follow-up appointment so that I can actually get some help.” 

When I hung up the phone, I replayed what I had said in my head over and over. Did I sound stupid? Pathetic? Would she be mad at me for lying? Maybe she wouldn’t call back at all. My time to worry was cut short when I realized that I had killed all of my downtime and was running really late to Italian. I didn’t have time to grab a snack, but I figured it was okay since I had eaten breakfast before seeing the dietitian (I didn’t want my stomach rumbling in front of the nutrition expert). After Italian, I took the bus straight to the performing arts center for dance, where I was occupied for 4 hours with classes. Thankfully, my instructor wasn’t treating me any differently in light of the eating disorder news. I left tired and sweaty, like always. While I was swapping my pointe shoes for rain boots, I glanced at my cell phone and noticed a missed call. My heart stopped. It was the doctor. My classmates were chatting but I wasn’t paying attention. I waived and said bye to no one in particular, and then rushed outside into the damp fall air to call her back. Please don’t let us be playing phone tag, I thought. I wasn’t even sure why I wanted to talk to her so desperately, but when I heard her steely voice greet me, my whole body seemed to tense and relax simultaneously. She had an effect on me that no one else in my life did.

“Hi Shae.”

“H-hi, Dr. Doom.”

“You can call me Melissa,” she said, with only the slightest hint of warmth in her voice.

“Oh. Okay, Ma’am. I mean, Melissa.” I heard her stifle a laugh. “Well anyway, thanks for calling back. I didn’t know who else to talk to.”

“It’s not a problem,” she said evenly, “I’m responsible for letting your instructor know when your probationary period is over, so it’s important that I’m fully aware of what’s going on with your appointments. I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t able to make good use of your time with Nancy today. Obviously, you’ll have to go back in order to have an accurate assessment done, and I will see to it that the next assessment isn’t a waste of everyone’s time.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll go back whenever it’s convenient for everyone. I didn’t mean to mess things up,” I whispered.

“I understand that you’re having a hard time,” she said slowly, “And as I said, the psychologist and dietitian are best equipped to help with the bulk of your issues. I would, however, like to help with what I can. I won’t be in the office much this week, but why don’t we have a quick chat tonight if you’re free?”

“Oh,” I said with surprise, “I guess I’m free, I just have to, you know, like shower and eat.”

“I’ll swing by your place to grab you at 7,” she said authoritatively, “Text me your address.”

“Ok, yeah, I’ll be ready.” With a glance at the time on my phone screen, I realized that I would have to rush. I ran to the bus stop, and when it deposited me just outside of my sorority house, I sprinted through the door and up to my room so that I could shower and change before Melissa’s arrival. I was ready to go around 6:50. That gave me ten minutes to eat dinner. I realized that the only thing I’d eaten since breakfast was an apple. Dammit. I scarfed down a modest bowl of pasta and a handful of carrots. At about 7:02, a text let me know that Melissa was outside waiting.

Melissa drove a beautiful white Audi SUV. I gaped at the nice, new interior as she stared over my shoulder at my sorority house. “It’s charming,” she said simply. I blushed.

“I know. I’m a walking stereotype. Dancer and sorority girl. But my sisters are super great and honestly, I’m cool. Like, I’m not spoiled or mean or whatever else you’re thinking.”

“No,” she smiled, “just skinny and bratty.” Without another word, she picked up speed and we glided down the street. “My son has soccer practice, so I figured we could just chat at my house,” she explained.

“Ok,” I nodded. We proceeded to sit in silence for the remainder of the drive. She seemed focused on driving and I was focused on how nervous yet excited I was to spend time with her, especially at her house. It only took about 10 minutes for us to pull up to a beautiful two-story house in a wooded neighborhood that I was wholly unfamiliar with as a campus-dwelling dancer. Still without speaking, she ushered me inside and offered me a glass of water or tea while I removed my shoes.

“Am I in trouble?” I asked, “because then wine might be better.” I said it with a smirk to denote I was joking, but it got me nothing more than a glare. “Ok, jeesh, just trying to lighten the mood. Water is great.”

“Why don’t you join me in the living room,” she said firmly as she handed me a glass. I followed her obediently. When she sat down on her couch, I decided to take a seat on another couch across the room from her. Distance is always a good idea when one’s behind might be on the line.

“Shae. I think that you know that you have a problem. And that you need help. You might need more help than I can give you individually, but what I can offer you is consistent medical advice and accountability. The latter might be more valuable to you. I think you need someone to help you stay on track. I wouldn’t normally offer to take on a bratty dancer, but I happen to think highly of you and I’d like to see you be successful.” She paused for effect and I nodded my understanding. “Great,” she said, folding her hands neatly on her lap, “So I think you understand how I ordinarily handle discipline. I plan to spank you for your stint at the dietitian’s office today, and I plan to spank you every time you fall short of my expectations, which- by the way- are high. But I think you also have high expectations of yourself, and we can be a good team. But to clarify, I’m the captain of the team. I want to spank you not only to punish you, but to show you that you aren’t always in control; you can’t be, and you don’t have to be. Whenever you’re with me, you can count on me. I mean that in many ways. You can count on me to tan your hide when you’re bratty or deceptive, but you can also count on me when you need someone to help.” She slowed down when she saw tears falling from my eyes.

“Thank you,” I said simply, “I’m not mad or sad. Just overwhelmed. And maybe a little anxious about the whole spanking thing,” I added with a small laugh. She smiled again.

“It’s ok,” she said. “Why don’t we start with the punishment and get it out of the way, and then we’ll talk about some ground rules and expectations.” I nodded my acquiescence, but I didn’t move from the couch. “Come sit over here,” she instructed. I shuffled across the room and sat down gingerly next to her. “Now,” she said, “I’m spanking you for lying to the dietitian today. I know you might have a hard time being open with people, but it was really unfair to her and to yourself. In the future, lying to anyone will earn you a trip over my knee, no questions asked. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” I sniffled, eyes wide.

“Great. Is there anything else you want to tell me before we begin?”

“I guess not,” I said carefully, “But, I mean, I’m just feeling a little guilty because you’re letting me continue to dance while I work on my recovery, but I know I haven’t made enough effort to fuel my body properly. I only ate two small meals and a small apple today, and I danced for four hours.” I looked down at my hands in shame. Melissa put her hand under my chin and forced me to look at her.

“I understand,” she said, “I’m glad that you know it’s unacceptable. I don’t expect you to get rid of all of your bad habits overnight, but I do expect from now on that you can follow a simple, healthy meal schedule if you want to keep dancing. We can talk about that more after your spanking.” With my admission out in the open, I felt my shoulders relax, and my breathing returned to normal. I was still nervous, but the confession had taken a weight off of me in a way that I didn’t expect. I’m a very private person, but talking to Melissa made me feel better. I was interrupted from my thoughts when Melissa pulled me swiftly over her knee. Apparently the chat was over.

This time, Melissa started spanking me over my leggings. They were too thin to protect me much, but it prevented the heat from building as quickly as it had last time. The pain was more of a dull ache than a sharp sting. Her rhythm was almost relaxing. Before I could even think that it “wasn’t too bad,” she ordered me to stand up. She unceremoniously peeled my leggings down to my kneecaps. Luckily, I didn’t have much time to revel in the embarrassment of the situation, since she quickly pulled me back over her knee and resumed her assault on my upturned bottom. The bare-bottom smacks brought on a searing pain each time they landed. Damn, Melissa was strong.

“I know you know why you’re being punished,” she said, “So we’re going to skip any further lecturing. All I will say is that I don’t give many warnings. The next time you have to resume this position for lying, you are going to be feeling my hairbrush.” With that, Melissa fell silent and I could only hear the sound of her hand striking me over and over. The echo of her smacks filled the room, and the sting in my bottom grew and grew. After what felt like an eternity, she stopped to elevate her knee and raise my bottom further into the air. I was hit with a new wave of humiliation, and she began spanking even faster and harder. I wailed and kicked my legs. I begged her to stop and dug my hands into the carpet and tried to get away from her. She barely reacted to my tantrum- she simply adjusted my bottom again and wrapped her left arm even more tightly around my waist. Her physical strength was overpowering. I ceased my resistance and cried while she continued to smack my already burning bottom. Finally, she slowed down her smacks. The last few were softer, and somehow almost pleasant. I breathed softly and relaxed. She eventually transitioned to rubbing my bottom, and then my back. When I wasn’t crying anymore, she helped me sit up. I didn’t know what to do with myself, but she pulled me into her embrace and gently rubbed my hair, so I closed my eyes and whispered one final apology.

“It’s all fine,” she said, “You did a good job for your first proper spanking. It will certainly be worse in the future if you don’t behave,” she warned. I nodded emphatically and continued to snuggle my head into her collar bone. She was surprisingly warm and comfy for someone with such a cold and commanding personality.

After a few minutes, she encouraged me to drink the rest of my water, and she began to lay out the ground rules. I was tired and having a hard time focusing, so she agreed to send the rules via email instead, and she kindly ushered me to the car and drove me back home. Sitting through the car ride was, erm, not fun to say the least, but I went to bed that night feeling relieved and protected. Just before I drifted off, I sent the doc a quick text message: “Thanks for everything, Dr. Melissa, I really appreciate it :)”

“Sleep :)” was her characteristically short response. Well, I thought, at least I got a smiley face. She might make me behave, but eventually I’ll get her to be more cheerful!

 

A Sobering Experience

Let’s just say that ballerinas don’t typically know how to “cut loose.” Most of my friends in high school spent most of their free time in the studio, and no one gave a second thought to going to a party. Needless to say, college was eye opening for me. I was dazzled by the way that crowds thumped to blaring rap and electronica, the way that drinks were poured generously among strangers, and the sexually charged energy and desperation of sleepless and overworked college students ready to let loose. I loved the way that alcohol made my skin prickle, and the warm, giggly feeling that filled my body when I’d had just enough.

Everyone in college drinks, age aside, so I never really worried about getting caught. Of course, I’m pretty risk averse, but I had only heard of a couple people getting the dreaded “MIP” on campus, so it wasn’t a justified fear. One night, though, I was invited to an off-campus party hosted by some guys from my university’s music department. They lived in a fairly small house, and it was absolutely packed wall-to-wall with theater, dance, and music, and art students. I’d had a rough week with dance and my other academic courses, so I was definitely ready to drink the night away. Three cups of spiked punch later, I was flirting with a hot dark-haired art student, playfully asking if I could borrow his beanie. Truth be told, I was still a virgin and was increasingly worried that I wasn’t attracted to men at all. But when I was just drunk enough, I could almost convince myself that I wanted to…

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

I was interrupted from my flirting when I heard the unmistakable cry of, “Police! Open up!” The eyes of one of the hosts went wide, and suddenly the previously buzzing room fell into silence. I could still feel the music pumping downstairs, but upstairs the boys were frantically turning off lights and hiding jugs of punch. As the officers knocked, a full-blown party tried to disappear on itself. The scene struck me as a little silly. I mean, there were already two officers at the door and they had now been waiting for an uncomfortably long time. The knocking was getting louder still, and I wondered when the music bros would lose their front door by having it kicked in. Not a pretty thought in January.

“Go into the bedroom!” one of the music students shouted, clearly agitated, “turn the lights off and be quiet.” Growing nervous, I followed along. They shoved the sweaty male guests and now-sniffling females into bedrooms. I curled up on the hardwood floor and hugged my knees into my chest. Beanie dude had disappeared. A girl from the theater department was sitting next to me and she looked like she was about to cry. Predictably, it only took a few minutes for one of the stern looking female officers to appear at the bedroom window. Even though it was January, the window was open because it was so damn hot in the packed house. The officer’s face was narrowed into a threatening stare, and her flashlight was pointed directly at us.

“They’re hiding in the bedroom!” she called to the other officer, “come out right now or you’re all getting MIPs” she shouted. Fck. I couldn’t get an MIP. The dance program would be furious. My parents would be furious. Hands shaking, I tried to think fast. The boys were intent on leaving the door locked. They were frantically milling about the living room mumbling about their rights and which of them should call their lawyer parent. Slowly, I arose and walked toward the front door. They had locked it and put a chair in front of it. Idiots.

“I’m going home,” I announced, and I walked out into the night before they could stop me. I left the door open and slowly approached the two angry-looking female officers. I was suddenly very skeptical about my plan, mostly because I didn’t have one. “I opened the door!” I squeaked, gesturing to the obviously opening door and then waiting for one of them to speak. The officer who had been at the window spoke first.

“What is this? Who is hosting this party?” she demanded to know. I didn’t know if I should sell the music boys down the river, so I prevaricated.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” I said, “I don’t actually know because the thing is, I was invited by a friend of a friend.” She stared back in silence. I was telling the truth, technically ish. I knew the names of the boys who rented the house, but I didn’t know them personally, and had been invited by a mutual friend.

“Do you have an ID?” she asked. My heart dropped. I didn’t want to get punished with an MIP just because I opened the door.

“No,” I lied. I had my student ID, but I wasn’t about to fork it over just like that.

“You don’t have ANY type of ID on you?” she snapped incredulously, “what if something happened to you?”

“I have my dorm key,” I offered strategically, “that has my picture on it. I just don’t bring a wallet with a formal ID, so to speak, because I don’t want it to get stolen or whatever.” That part was true. Actually, I didn’t know if I had an ID. I was drunk, and quite frankly, I was getting really cold since I had taken a cab and not bothered to bring a coat. The other officer seemed to feel bad for me.

“Let’s let her go home,” she suggested, approaching the house to deal with the real issue. There were already a few students trying to sneak out windows or the front door, so the nice officer turned their attention away from me.

“Fine. Go home. Get out of here,” the less-nice officer nodded curtly. I nodded with tears in my eyes and turned to scuttle away. “Wait!” she said, and my heartbeat picked back up. “You don’t have a coat or proper ID. How are you going to get back to your dorm?”

“I don’t know, Ma’am.”

“Can you please wait? You’re not in trouble. I’ll drive you home once we address the situation here.” She seemed calm and sincere enough, so I nodded. It was starting to snow again, and honestly, I didn’t know my way home anyway. We were deep in a residential neighborhood, and it would take nearly an hour to get a cab at this point. After 30 minutes or so, the officers emerged from the house and my new friend gestured to her car. I followed her, pausing slightly when I got to the front doors.

“I’ve never, you know, uh, been in a cop car before,”  I said lamely, “should I sit in front?”

“Unless you’d rather sit in the back with cuffs on.” She hopped into the driver’s seat and buckled up. I slipped in and sat silently beside her, my hands in my lap and my eyes wide.

“I’m really sorry,” I said, “about them locking the door. That was lame. Thanks for, you know, all you do and thanks for the ride and stuff and I’m sorry if you’re mad at me.” My pitiful word vomit seemed to soften her.

“It’s ok, kid,” she said finally, “Just be careful when you go to parties. You had no idea whose house you were at. You don’t have an ID. I’ve seen a lot of bad things happen to kids when alcohol is involved, and I can say that getting an MIP is the least of your concerns.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I agreed demurely.

“If you were my daughter,” she emphasized, “I would be livid about that behavior. I would spank the living daylights out of my daughter, even if she was in college.” I gulped.

“My parents never spanked me,” I offered, “When they’re disappointed, I just get the silent treatment for a while. That’s why I didn’t want to get in trouble tonight. It’s awful when they’re upset with me.” I looked down at my hands. “But if it makes you feel better, like technically just to clarify, I did sort of know whose house it was, and I had my student ID.” I held my breath after letting my confession out.

“I’m sorry to hear about your parents,” the officer said, “It can really hurt to not be forgiven. I believe in dishing out a stern spanking, but then accepting the apology and moving forward with a clean slate. I think it allows everyone to feel better moving forward. But given the fact that you were drinking underage AND you lied, let’s just say that your punishment would leave no doubt about how much trouble you were in.” We were already pulling up near my dorm, so the officer slowed the car down and threw it into park. She placed her hand on my arm and said gently, “You know, you’re really lucky that you didn’t get in trouble or get hurt tonight.” I nodded solemnly. “You seem like you feel pretty guilty and crappy,” she pointed out, “so if you want, I can give you the same type of spanking that I’d give my own daughter, and then you can wake up tomorrow and start fresh.” My eyes went wide at the proposition. I was incredibly nervous, but I also thought about how nice it would feel to have someone actually care enough to mete out discipline. Ever since college, I felt like I didn’t have a lot of direction. My dance professors were tough but not necessarily personable, and my parents barely had time to talk to me.

“Ok,” I said slowly, “I’ll let you spank me.” My hands were shaking a little bit, but I knew that I needed something to make the guilt go away. The officer moved the car to a dark, empty parking lot across from the dorm and relocated to the back seat. I followed compliantly and waited for instructions.

“Ok honey,” she said softly, “I’m going to lay you across my knees and pull your skirt up, ok?” I nodded shyly and let her grab my hand and lead me across her lap. As promised, she pushed my tight black mini skirt up to reveal my bare bottom. My black thong provided no protection, but at least it left me with a little modesty. The officer rubbed my cheeks with her hand for a moment. “I never got your name,” she pointed out.

“Shae,” I answered.

“Ok, Shae. I’m going to give you, say, ten swats for each offense. Ten for drinking underage, ten for not bringing a real ID, ten for barely knowing whose party it was, and ten each for lying about the ID and who owned the house. Oh, and ten for skimping on a jacket. That’s only sixty, ok? That should be a good first spanking.”

“Well… ok… but do I get a reward for being the person to open the door? And I feel like that’s double dipping, punishing me for lying about the ID but also for the ID, right?” I asked hopefully.

“You don’t get an award for doing the right thing,” she said carefully, “but you can know that I’m proud of you, ok? And as for the lying, that’s intolerable. You still didn’t have proper ID and I’m not convinced that you were aware of your surroundings. So no, not double dipping.”

“Ok, Ma’am.”

With that, the officer got to work on my bottom. It may have only been 60 swats, but she had significant arm strength and made them count. Plus, my poor bottom was cold and sensitive from the winter air! The first ten made me hiss and wiggle in pain, the next ten had me audibly crying out. “I’ll add on if you don’t stop wiggling,” the officer said flatly. I took a deep breath and pleaded with my legs and hips to stop thrashing about. She applied ten swats in a row to my sensitive right sit-spot, then moved on to the left. The final twenty swats were peppered along my lower bottom and upper thighs. When the officer finished, I let out a sigh of relief. I was sniffling a little, so she helped me sit up and pulled me into a hug. “Good girl,” she praised, “you took that well.”

“I won’t let this all happen again,” I promised solemnly.

“Good. I’ll be looking for your name at the station, and you won’t like what a repeat offense punishment feels like,” she said with a smile and a wink, “Now go inside, have a large glass of water, and get some sleep.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” I said dutifully, pulling away from her hug and wiping off the last of my tears. Before I exited the vehicle, I turned around and asked for her name.

“Officer Black,” she said, pointing to her badge, “which is the color your bottom might be if you don’t take it inside in the next five seconds.” With a mock salute, I dashed out of the vehicle and into my dorm. By the time I had poured myself a cup of water, I realized that I wasn’t feeling buzzed in the slightest anymore. Man, I thought, nothing like a bare bottom spanking to sober you right up! 

Meeting Dr. Doom

As I sit in the waiting room at the tiny University physician’s office, I feel like a walking stereotype. I’m a dance major at a large liberal arts school, and I recently had to confide in one of my instructors about my eating disorder. I’m irritated with myself but I don’t quite know why. Eating disorders persist despite the victims intelligence, confidence, happiness, and desire to be healthy. I keep repeating that it’s not my fault; I’m not making fellow dancers “look bad,” and I’m not a burden for needing to seek help.

My eating disorder had started over a year ago, when I realized that dance in college was a whole ‘nother ball game, so to speak. No matter what I told myself about how talented I was, I couldn’t help but think that I would be as talented as my intimidating classmates if I could just be more thin. More beautiful. More graceful. Lean. What started as a promise to eat healthy spiraled into near-starvation, compulsive exercise, and eventually vomiting. After coming back from a summer dance intensive feeling ill and looking like a string bean, I was forced to have “the talk” with one of my favorite professors. She said that I would have to see one of the university’s physicians to get a letter of approval for my participation that semester. I whined, but there was nothing I could say to change her mind. She was kind but firm about the requirement. “It’ll be fine,” she had promised with a reassuring smile, “Dr. (let’s call her Doom) is fantastic.”

So, there I sat in the doctor’s waiting room, at 9am sharp on a Monday, pretending to study from my Italian textbook while listening to my heart thud in my chest. When my name was called, I shuffled down the narrow hallway into a small exam room. My backpack and rain coat were drowning my small frame, and I kept my eyes down. My palms were sweaty and my heart was thumping ever faster, but I promised myself that the appointment would only take 20 minutes. I’d promise that I was getting better- eating more- and she would let me go. The doctor hadn’t quite greeted me yet. She was sizing me up while applying an inhuman amount of hand sanitizer to both hands. The doctor was tall, with sharp facial features and a cold, demanding stare. I felt about two inches tall when I looked up at her from the exam table. I know that she works for the university’s athletic department. She’s probably used to fixing the broken bones of soccer stars and managing the illnesses of football players four times her size. I imagine that she’d rather be doing anything but talking to little, silly me. Finally, she breaks the awkward silence.

“So… your professor sent you here for an eating disorder?”

I choose not to answer because what she really did was make a statement, and I’m not going to reward the obvious with an answer. Seemingly annoyed by my blank stare, she says, with zero emotion or tenderness, “So what is it that you do? I mean, are you not eating? Are you vomiting?”

My face scrunches up in annoyance. No way in H-E-doublehockeysticks am I going to let this judgmental jerk get an answer out of me.

“Uhm. Yeah I guess.” I’m purposely vague and my nervousness has been replaced with straight irritation. I can feel my eyes narrowing involuntarily, as if my inner defensive brat can’t help but punish the rude question with an evil stare.

The doctor sighs and tells me that she needs to weigh me. I silently acquiesce. She has me sit back on the exam table, and explains in a business-like fashion that she has to check my throat for signs of trauma. We do the tongue depressor thing, she pokes around my throat with her cold fingers, and she stabs at my abdomen to see if anything hurts. I keep my eyes on the ceiling, feigning disinterest in this whole process. On the inside, I’m simmering with embarrassment. She finally backs up again, and returns to her favorite position: arms crossed and face set in a blank, intimidating stare.

“Physically, you look okay right now,” she says slowly, “but I have to warn you that with the vomiting and–”

“I’m not stupid!” I spit, interrupting her impending lecture, “I know that it’s bad for me. I’m working on it.” She looks a little irritated at the interruption, but she shifts tactics smoothly.

“Look. If you want to exercise the way that your schedule demands, it’s really not sustainable for you to not eat.” She continues her lecture, but all I can hear is her patronizing tone and all that I can really focus on is her un-amused stare. I have never felt so ridiculous before.

“FINE!” I interrupt for a second time, “I know I’m an idiot, ok? I know I have to eat. I didn’t need to come to the doctor because there’s nothing really wrong with me. My professor made me schedule this appointment, and I know you don’t want to talk to some dumb skinny dancer about how foolish she’s being. As long as I’m good to return to dance class, I don’t need anything else. I’m sure you have plenty of better things to do with your time and I’m sorry I had to come annoy you about my ineptitude. I’m obviously having a hard time, and you’re kind of being a jerk. You’re talking to me like… like… I’m the scum of the earth or something. So I can just go or whatever. If I’m fine to dance and all.” When I finish my tirade, it dawns on me that perhaps I didn’t need to speak quite so loudly. Dr. Doom’s eyebrows are raised, but she doesn’t look particularly surprised, nor does she necessarily look angry. The silence in the room is deafening.

“Ok,” says Dr. Doom, still eerily calm, “why don’t you stand on the ground and turn around for me?” I look back at her with wide eyes. “Stand up,” she repeats, “and turn around.” I don’t know what else to do at this point, so I stand up and turn around slowly. “Put your hands on the exam table,” she instructs calmly. I do. “I’m going to pull your pants down, and I’m going to spank you,” she says matter-of-factly. “Eating disorders are about control,” she explains, “and in my exam room, I’m in control. I’m sorry that you didn’t get the sympathy that you were hoping for, but I’m trying to do my job. I’m trying to make sure that you’re healthy and capable of performing your usual activities. So now, you are going to stay still and stay silent, and I am going to spank you for how incredibly rude you’ve been.” It is a very good thing that I’m already bent over, because I feel extremely lightheaded. Can doctors spank people?!?! I’m too humiliated to speak, so I wait to see if she is going to say anything. “I need your consent,” she finally says, “and this isn’t medical treatment, it’s a personal offer to give you something that you obviously need.” Her voice is still amazingly businesslike, a little exasperated perhaps. I’m not sure what options I have at this point.

“Oh. Ok. Ye- I mean, sure.” My voice is suddenly quiet and whiny, in stark contrast to my bold proclamations less than two minutes ago. Having gotten the go-ahead from yours truly, Dr. Doom takes a step closer to me. With one hand on the exam table next to me, she raises her right hand and brings it down with an alarmingly painful crack. “AH, OW!” I exclaim automatically.

“You will get precisely one reminder to be quiet,” she says in a low voice, pinching my inner thigh painfully for emphasis.

“Ok, sorry!” I whisper urgently, letting my breath out slowly as she raises her hand again. SMACK! Geez, it’s painful when she hits me. I was never spanked as a child, but good Lord I didn’t think it would hurt so darn much. SMACK. SMACK. SMACK. No one else was in the waiting room, but I wonder if the receptionist can hear. SMACK SMACK SMACK. My embarrassment is driven from my mind temporarily as I try to adjust to the pain. Dr. Doom keeps spanking both cheeks- and the tops of my thighs- while I will wiggle and breathe heavily. She moves her second hand to my lower back as she continues to smack my bare bottom. As painful as the spanking is, I feel oddly serene under her control. Like the only thing that I have to focus on is submitting to her authority, and my previously complicated emotions have simplified. SMACK SMACK SMACK.

“Do you know why you’re being spanked?” she asks, not stopping the onslaught of smacks.

“I was rude to you and it was disrespectful,” I squeak out.

“Good girl. I’m spanking you because you were rude, and also because you need to learn a lesson about control. Learning to let go is going to help you. So *SMACK SMACK* will eating.” Her swats have slowed down since I have stopped wiggling. The pain and embarrassment and stress of the whole morning get to me and I start to cry. She delivers a few more swats to the back of each of my thighs.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble into the silence.

“What’s that?” she asks, her voice finally the softest it has been all morning.

“I’m sorry,” I repeat. “Actually, I was apologizing for crying because you don’t seem like the type of person who would appreciate a crybaby, but while I’m at it, I’m also sorry for… you know… snapping at you and stuff. I know you were just doing your job. I shouldn’t have taken my nervousness out on you. I’m just embarrassed and frustrated and scared, ya know…” I start to cry harder after my admission rushes out of my mouth, and she rubs my back gently.

“It’s ok,” she finally whispers, “everything is fine. I sometimes forget to be mindful of sensitive topics. I’m a pretty straightforward person.”

“No… really?” I ask with a sarcastic smile. She smiles for the first time all morning and laughs.

“Stand up,” she says kindly, helping me up into standing position. I feel incredibly awkward standing in front of her with my leggings pulled halfway down, but I look up at her and wait for more instructions rather than adjusting them. “I’m not a psychologist,” she says carefully, “and you need to see the university psychologist. But I do know when a brat needs a spanking, and you were begging for one this morning.”

“Y-yes, Ma’am. Uh… thank you?” I mumble awkwardly, looking between Dr. Doom and the ground.

“Pull your pants up,” she says with a small smile. “I’m going to write a letter to your dance teacher that you’re ok to participate for now, but I’m expecting you to see the psychologist… and the dietitian.”

“Yes, Ma’am, I will,” I nod emphatically.

“And why don’t I give you my business card in case you have any questions,” she offers kindly. “You’re won’t be bothering me,” she emphasizes, briefly putting her hand under my chin. I nod gratefully and she hands me a tissue.

“Do you, like, want a hug or something?” I ask timidly as she moves to open the door and release me back into the world. She laughs and opens her arms slightly, so I take that as a yes. I quickly wrap my arms around her tall frame, pressing my cheek against her chest. She pats me gently on the back and holds me until I am ready to pull away.

“Be good. Take care of yourself,” she says as she walks me back to the reception area.

“Ok. Thank you,” I say with sincerity. And with that, I head back out into the bright September sunshine. My bottom is still stinging, but I hold onto her business card and smile. That was a strange appointment, I think to myself, but I might actually be back to see Dr. Doom. Maybe her doom was just what I needed to get better.